How important is trust to you?
Why would learning how to trust and knowing how to keep someone’s trust, be helpful to you??
Patricia Greenhough states “that you can trust people - to be who they are. If they are always late for dinner you can trust them to be late. We go astray when we want to trust them to do something we want them to do rather than what they do. ”
Many people have shared with me how they have trusted someone and got hurt. These experiences make it difficult for them to move forward in relationships as they are scared of their trust being broken. Therefore, it is not a matter of blindly trusting, or listening to what someone says, but observing what they do, and trusting them to do that.
Unfortunately, these experiences with trust can create a lose of self-trust – as well as the loss of trust with other people. When something hard happens in our lives, the first thing we do is give ourselves a hard time by saying things like “How could I have been so stupid. I was so naive.” If you have this negative self-talk from past experiences and you would like to make some changes contact me and I can assist you to move forward.
To understand trust more fully listen to a fantastic video by Brené Brown called “The Anatomy of Trust” which explores what trust means and how important it is to trust and be trusted. The link to the video is at the end of this article or read through the key points noted below.
Brené Brown is a professor and social scientist and uses data to explore topics such as trust.
Definitions of trust and distrust shared by Brené are -
“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”
“Distrust is what I have shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you.”
Some key point’s from Brené Brown video, to enjoy while you have a cuppa
– Trust is built on small moments. You have choices all the time about building trust or betrayal.
What trust means for Brené is covered by the acronym
– B R A V I N G
B – boundaries. If you are clear about your boundaries, and you hold them; and you're clear about my boundaries, and you respect them. I trust you.
R - reliability. I can only trust you if you do what you say you're going to do. And not once, you do what you say you're going to do over and over and over again.
A - accountability. I can only trust you if, when you make a mistake, you are willing to own it, apologise for it, and make amends. I can only trust you if when I make a mistake, I am allowed to own it, apologise, and make amends. No accountability? No trust.
V - vault. The Vault. What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me, I will keep in confidence.
I - Integrity. I cannot trust you and be in a trusting relationship with you if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same. Integrity is choosing courage over comfort, deciding what's right over what's fun, fast, or easy, and practising your values, not just professing your values.
N - Non-judgment. I can fall apart, ask for help, and be in struggle without being judged by you. And you can fall apart, and be in the struggle, and ask for help without being judged by me, which is really hard because we're better at helping than we are asking for help.
An interesting thought on this point that Brene points out is – “You cannot judge yourself for needing help but not judge others for needing your help. And somewhere in there, if you're like me, you're getting value from being the helper in a relationship. You think that's your worth. But real trust doesn't exist unless help is reciprocal and non-judgment.”
I feel there are times we are very hard on ourselves and get into a pattern where we are mentality bashing ourselves over and over. If this is something you experience and would like to change, contact me to move forward in a more productive way for you :-)
G - Generosity. Our relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviours, and then check in with me. So, if I screw up by saying something, forgetting something, you will make a generous assumption. Something I could tell you, “Well, you forgot to call on this important …, and I was hoping you would call, I just wanted to let you know that is what I was thinking about” You'll make a generous assumption about me and check it out.
I hope you enjoy what Brené has to share – I like Brené’s practical and simple philosophy around trust and how important it is. I thought this acronym “BRAVING” is a great reminder of the values we expect around trust for ourselves and other people.